


Lord Voldemort's Cannibal Kitchen

by IvoryRaven



Series: Riddle Collection [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Cannibalism, Cannibalistic Thoughts, Crimes & Criminals, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dead People, Don't Judge Me, Don't Try This At Home, Serial Killer Tom Riddle, Serial Killers, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tom Riddle is His Own Warning, What Have I Done, You Have Been Warned, YouTube, Youtuber AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:33:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23571640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvoryRaven/pseuds/IvoryRaven
Summary: Tom Riddle has a YouTube channel: I am Lord Voldemort, where he posts videos with recipes and descriptions of meals using human meat.
Series: Riddle Collection [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105865
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	Lord Voldemort's Cannibal Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> I was very tired and I thought of this. It happened. I think it's cool.

Tom adjusted his camera. When he was satisfied with its position, he switched it on and stepped back.

“Hello, my loyal Death Eaters!” he started. “Today I’ll be showing you my recipe for tender, herb-coated rectus femoris. For those of you who are new, I am Lord Voldemort, and this is my channel for cooking, cannibal-style.”

“First, the ingredients. I use 3 tablespoons of mustard, 2 tablespoons of butter, 1 tablespoon of honey, 3 green onions, 1 tablespoon of grated lemon peel for a nice, citrusy taste, 2 tablespoons of salt, half a teaspoon of pepper - you don’t want too much pepper - and a quarter cup of chopped dill. Always make sure your dill is fresh - if it’s manky and old it can ruin the whole recipe.

“And of course, the star of the show - this section of meat is called the rectus femoris, and is from the front of the leg. It can be tough, so make sure you prepare it carefully. If you’re concerned about having tough meat, you can use a section of the gluteus maximus instead.”

Tom reached for the bowl he’d put on his white marble countertop. “First, I whisk together the mustard, butter, and honey. I use a medium sized bowl - I don’t want this to splash!”

He pushed the bowl away once he’d combined the ingredients, and took another, identical bowl. “Now I mix the dill, onions, and lemon. You don’t want to mash these up, just evenly combine them for the best effect.”

Now it was time for one of his favorite parts. Tom slid the meat, which was already in its roasting pan, toward him and into the view of the camera.

“Take your meat and sprinkle it with salt and pepper. Be generous - use up all the salt and pepper I mentioned in the ingredients list. I combined mine in a small glass bowl, but you can sprinkle directly from the containers.”

Tom scooped the mixture out of the bowl, and let it slide evenly through his long fingers onto the red meat.

“Remember the mustard mixture from before? It’s time to revisit that! You’re just going to scoop it all up-”

He did, relishing the smooth, well-mixed creamy texture against his hands. It reminded him of the time he’d mixed taffy-textured soft marrow with just the right amount of pureed cream corn. That had been heavenly, the perfect mixture of savory and sweet, and the perfect creaminess that let it take its time to melt in his mouth.

“Slather it smoothly on your meat. Try and keep the layer even, otherwise it’ll cook unevenly and nobody wants that.”

Tom coated the red meat with the mustardy mixture. The thick layer disguised the tell-tale Y shaped muscle from the human thigh. With this over it, the meal could amost be mistaken for a pork tenderloin.

But it wasn’t.

It was thrilling. 

Tom washed his hands before returning to the camera. “Now you’re going to split the herb mixture into two: put half of it in the fridge, you’ll need it later. Now with the rest, you’re going to sprinkle it on, you might need to press it down to make sure it stays. Looks almost like grass is growing on it, right? That’s what it should look like.

“Right, now you’ve done that, you’re going to roast the meat for 1 hour, you might need a few more minutes depending on what size it is. If yours is a lot smaller than mine you should keep checking it. You’ll know it’s cooked through when the meat thermometer is 65 degrees Celcius - that’s like, 145 degrees Fahrenheit for my Death Eaters across the pond! I see you guys, you asked for temperatures in Fahrenheit, and I heard.”

This was the point he intended to add the visual effect of all the Americans’ comments floating across the page. 

He knew exactly what to say when he came back to his camera after his own meat was done. He’d been planning this for weeks: the recipe, the specimen, his habits, the weapon, the alibi… it was perfect.

“Okay, we’re back and it’s been an hour! Now I’m going to take the roast out, check it with my meat thermometer - remember to be safe! Especially with these long pig meats, you can’t be too careful. And avoid brains: you’re not a zombie, and you don’t want to get a prion disease… you really don’t. Google it if you want, not something you want. Just a heads up before you go out and do something stupid.

“Let the meat stand for 15 minutes when you’re sure it’s done. That’s not, ‘oh it’s a few degrees under, it’ll be fine.’ That’s, ‘it is the proper temperature and I’m sure it’s cooked.’ I will not be responsible for your death by diseased flesh because you were an idiot. Remember that anything in this meat can be easily transmitted to you, so be very careful.

“After fifteen minutes are up, get the other herbs out of the fridge and sprinkle them on! Slice the roast, and you’re ready to serve!”

He washed his hands again, angling the camera and the desk lamps he used to light his food to show the delicious meat as he sliced it. When he edited, this footage would be slow-mo.

When he had all the video he needed, he could finally eat the delicious meal. Cutting himself a bite, he raised it to his lips, savoring the smell, craving the taste.

He’d chosen his victim well. The meat was sweet, but not too sweet. It was delightfully flavorful, as soon as the warm flesh hit his tongue, his mouth erupted with sensation. There was something simple about it, but the flavor had so many undertones. He closed his eyes in pleasure, letting the flavor spread throughout his mouth, his whole body relaxing into the taste.

This was wonderful. The many hours of research into the man’s habits and diet had paid off. The meal was everything he’d hoped and more. Licking his lips in anticipation, Tom reached for a second bite.

**Author's Note:**

> The recipe is a real recipe for pork tenderloin.
> 
> The muscle Tom used is found in the thigh - you use it when you straighten your knee, and move your leg from the hip.


End file.
